Thursday, April 22, 2010

Do I have to ACT like a fucking grown-up now???

I've got some BIG news my little slut cakes...


"Thank gawd! I was starting to worry..."

I know, I've been an insufferable ass munch lately because I haven't been able to STFUCKU aboout my whole househunting headache. I only feel marginally sorry 'cuz ya know what??? Looking for a house IS A BITCH AND A HALF. Well, you can all breathe easy now because we found our new home!!!

Ummmmmm, I fucking wish.

I don't fucking think so.

Ahhhhhhhh....Home sweet motherfucking Home.

                      ** The above is not really my house, but it's pretty fucking close...kinda.**

Anywhore...I just wanted to say a quick little something about me finally becoming an adult. It's scary shit. I'm nervous as fuck, and about to be in more debt than ever. But that's what peeps who are all growed up do right??? So, now the fun begins! I'll try not to stab a fucker as we go through inspections and paperwork and all the happy horseshit that is the delight of being a homeowner. I said I'll TRY not to stab a guarantees.

"'ll be fine E. Don't sweat it!"

So that's it for now, I'll keep you up. I know this whole post was about me, but...I'm a fucking self centered whore and I don't see anything wrong with that. I will be posting a major shout-out post very soon though. Stay tuned for that epicness!

A sincere thanks to all you snatchfaces who have encouraged me and let me spew crazy all over you while I'm going through this process! I love you more than Edward loves sneaking through Bella's window. Boobie rubs!!!


Monday, April 19, 2010

I make fun of myself in honor of Velociraptor Awareness Day.

That could have been wicked awesome.

Here's some music to scroll by. This song encapsulates the point of this post so you better fucking listen to it!!!

Now, don't be a little bitch  get all huffy about me roasting our Beloved Saga. I'm pretty confident that if you're reading this, you will understand exactly where I'm coming from. If you don't, I'm really inclined to say "What the fuck are you doing here?" but instead I'll say nothing, because I'm not going to waste my time explaining what a fucking joke is.

Uh ohhhhhs....

Hello hookahs! I've missed you all this week. I have been very limited in the time I can spend immersing myself in the loveliness of my blogroll, and my dear snatchfaces that I have become so attached to in the past few months. I have decided that with all the stresses and general clusterfucky-ness of RL these days, I need to laugh. At myself. Alot.

Yes I do.

I have been taking life way too fucking seriously these days, and have lost sight of my inner need to make a joke out of just about everything. I can't function if there is no humor in my life, so I've decided that in honor of Velociraptor Awareness Day I need to remind myself just who the fuck I really am!!! I need to poke Edward's sparklepeen in me some serious fun at myself.

At least they suck up human blood.

So let's just take moment to step the fuck back, and laugh at ourselves shall we? Life is too goddamn short to walk around stressed out over every little thing that gets barfed up on us everyday.

I hear having herpes sucks.

Yep. I'm a total pussy lover.

These chicks know gheyyy when they see it.

I'll part with some encouraging words. No matter what life suckerpunches you with, don't forget who you really are. That is one of life's greatest tragedies. We lose sight of ourselves in the hustle and bustle of the daily fucking grind. Let's not let life kill us.

I wanna be this fucking bug.

Let's grab life by the short and curlies!
We say who, We say when, We say how much...

** I'm fully aware that Velociraptor Awareness Day is technically over. I don't really give a flying fuck.**

At least I don't have herpes.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Stop this brain...I wanna get off!

Time to get realz for a sec my little snatchy-poos. RL is making me open up and say it can shove a big fat cock in my mouth. I am going to be busy with said cock for the next few days.
I am currently looking for a house. It is slowly killing me. I have very specific requirements for my family, and that makes the search even more challenging. Now it's crunch time. I need to knock a bitch out.

This means I will be scarce the next few days. Just a heads up. I know you will all suffer and have achey hearts and empty holes in your life until I return in full force. That is a given.
Fucking duhhhhh.
I'll be back to voraciously face and leg humping you all very soon. Promise.

Here's to being a happy fucking homo(wner).

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddd since this post is undoubtedly boring the piss out of you, I'll leave you with a little bit of me not giving a fuck.


** In no way do I mean to insinuate that having a Big Fat Cock in my mouth is a bad just keeps me very busy**

Friday, April 9, 2010

A Decision. A Tattoo. A Contest.

Yes my lovely little ladies, I did it. I managed to make a fucking decision, and it didn't even kill me...yet.

I'ma stand in front of this here sign.

I called The Forks Motel yesterday to reserve a room.  The dude who I spoke with cracked me up.  I told him the dates I wanted to reserve, and he was all like "That's quite a ways away, we should have plenty of........whoa. What's going on at the end of September??  Something for Twilight??"   I replied "How'd ya guess??"  Apparently the entire motel is nearly full, with 73 rooms being reserved for Twitards.  I nearly shit my shorts. I'm so fucking glad I called when I did, or else I might have had to sleep in my mini-van in the parking lot.

I will sleep pay for a room in this motel.

73 rooms??  Yep.  73 motherfucking rooms!!  I knew this was going to be epic.  I wonder what the head count is up to?  Anyone know?  Anywhore, I bow down to all who encouraged me called me a pussy and told me to just shut up and go already.  Those are the kind of sweet motivating words that get  my ass in gear.  I'm going to have to do alot of facehumping in Forks, especially if Mr. Pantz does indeed decide to tag along.  So......that's one major decision down.  Let's move right along to the next shall we?

Tattoo.  I've wanted one as long as I can remember.  I am almost the only one left out of my RL friends that has yet to be inked.  I vowed I would get one before I turned 30. Yep.  Apparently my solemn vows to myself aren't worth dick.  Here I am now, 32 1/2  (yeah, I said half)  have yet to get my ass up off my shoulders and just fucking do it.  Aaaaaaaaaaand being the totally indecisive whoreface that I am, have never fixed myself on what to get or where to place it.  I am running out of  "safe zones" on my body.  Ya know, places that are not saggy or riddled with stretchmarks (thanks fucking kids!), that I feel would be accomodating  to some body art.  I believe I have narrowed it down.  So.  What to get?  I think I may have found a way to decide.

A Contest!!!


"Did you just say what I think you said??"

Yes. You read correct. I am holding a contest to choose what I get permanently etched in my flesh until it rots away and/or gets burned the fuck up.

Here's how this shit is going down:

I want you to give me your best idea(s) for my tattoo.  Think Twi. Think Rob. Think Fandom. Think E. Some of you bitches should know me pretty fucking well at his point.  I want something that will make me even prouder to belong to such a kickass community of twatwranglers!

I need you to email or comment me your ideas, inspirations, pictures (to illustrate examples), etc.
I will  narrow the entries down to a final few, depending on how many ideas are submitted.  After that, I will leave the the final decision entirely up to YOU.

You will vote on what you think is the most perfectest tattoo for me, and I will get it.
I'm not even close to kidding about this shit.

I know you think I must have some elepahant sized balls for doing this, which is true.  But I will still consider only serious entries.  I think we've all seen some fucked up twi-tatts this week and I will not go there.
I'm gonna leave this contest open for a while, but I want to have the chosen tatt on my skin before FOOOOORRRRRKKKSSSS!!!
I'll leave you time to ponder the enormity of what I'm asking.  Please contact me by emailing or commenting with any questions about any aspect of this contest.

I am serious about this.  I trust you guys more than some of my own family members.  Make me proud to sport some ink that will fuheveh and evah remind me of you and how much my life has been impacted by knowing you all!

Show me your goods!
Till next time,

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

To Foooorrrkkksss or Not to Foooorrrkkksss??? That is the question...

I have been going through a big fucking debate with myself  for a bit now. I have honestly pondered whether or not going to Forks was in my future. I have given more thought to this question than I did about the conception/birth of my second child. This is torturing me and I need help!!!

What's all the fuss about? It's just Forks dude.

The fuss is that now it's that point in time where I have to make a decision, and I have to make it right the fuck now! If I am seriously gonna do this biotch there will be in depth planning and preparation involved. The kind of shit that takes months to fucking get your shit together for. That means I need to hurry up and make up my mind...nowish.

I've gone through an evolution, since I first heard STY shout it out on Twitarded...I tried to find the link, but fail. If STY or JJ are reading, I love you and props for spawning this mass pilgrimage to the source of all that is Twi...if I ever meet you I  can't be held responsible for my behaviour would consider it an honor to be in your presence. **bows down**

My initial reaction to hearing about the Twitards actually fucking going to Forks was stage one of this evolution.

Oh hell to the muthafuckin' NO.

I was all like "Why the fuck would I do travel to the wettest place in the continental US in fucking October? Chrissakes, those bitches are crazy!"

Flash forward a few months: I get more involved in the blogdom/fandom/whateverthefuckdom, and am meeting some cool as fuck peeps. Like ALOT of women that are just so rad it's insane. I start having a fucking ball getting to know some seriously brilliant and hysterical women hookers. I start to think it might be pretty fuckawesome if I ever got the chance to meet them!
Thus was the beginning of stage 2...

Ok, maybe they're just Forks....but look how pretttyyyy they are....

Yeah, Forks started to look better and better. I found myself starting to imagine what everyone was going to do while they were there.... What kind of havoc would be wreaked? Who would get arrested? How would the locals handle a bunch of pervy twisted drunk twi-whores?

I have become so enamored with this crazy as fuck all twi-twat bloggy fandom community that I hung a noose around my neck decided to start my own blog. Yep. That was the clincher my little snatchy-poos.. the conception of stage 3.

I think I neeeeed to go to Fooooorrrrkkkksss.

So here I sit, a sudden and nagging need to try to figure out how the fuck I can possibly get to Forks. Luckily, my hubtardy is not only encouraging me to go but being nearly demanding about it! He actually said to me the other night, "I want you to go to Forks. I hear you talk about how awesome those bitches are all the time, so if you don't go, I will!"
The Fuck You Say.
There are a few fucking obstacles however. I don't fly, so the drive would be epically long, which means more time, money, etc. Plus, it's not a tempting thought to have to make the drive alone...not sure if there would be a way around that though.
We're moving this summer, and I have no fucking clue what my life is going to look like come September. This trip would undoubtedly be the adventure of my life so far, and that thought alone is very enticing. But if I'm gonna do this motherfucker I need to make a decision.

What are all you guys doing? Who's Forkin' it and why? Who's not and why?
Give me the deets, was it an easy decision, or did you agonize over it? 
If you're going, how are you getting there, and how has your SO/family reacted?

I need to go have a drink now...

Should I stay or should I go?
Till next time,

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I've been a naughty little Fic whore...

It's true. I usually pride myself on the amount of FanFic that I can consume in a week, but last week was Spring Break and fuck if it didn't stick it in and break it off. I hate to say it, but I have read absolutely NO Fic for several days now. **hangs head in shame**

"I feel so abandoned...come back to me E."

As my punishment, Domward has instructed me to be ready and waiting for him in his Playroom in 10 minutes. In the meantime, I thought I'd take a moment and list all the Fics that I am currently reading, some you will know (well maybe most, cuz I was so late to the orgy), but hopefully there will be some new shit for you to feast on. Here's some music to scroll by for your listening pleasure...and pleasure is the only thing that happens in my, blog.

I only have a few minutes before my reward punishment begins, so without further delay here's what Fics have been bending me over and making me scream. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have and show these authors the love they so deserve!

"You think you're going to enjoy this, you little slut?"

Without a doubt Master.

These are in no order of importance...

Master of the Universe by Snowqueens Icedragon ~ Bella Swan is drafted in to interview the reclusive, enigmatic Edward Cullen, multi-millionaire CEO of his company. It's an encounter that will change her life irrevocably, leading her to the darkest realms of desire. Adult themes, AH AU, Bella and Edward.

Edward Wallbanger by feathers_mmmm ~ Bella moves into a fantastic apartment in San Francisco. Guess who lives next door? With walls this thin, the tension is gonna be thick...

The Training by tara sue me ~ Sequel to The Submissive and The Dominant. Edward and Bella embark on their new relationship, but who's training whom?

The University of Edward Masen by Sebastien Robichaud ~ Edward Masen is the selfish and brooding university professor; Bella Swan is his shy, but determined graduate student. Appearances can be deceiving. Have their paths crossed before? Rated M for good reason, all human, canon pairings, AU, OOC, ExB

Confessions of a Nanny by Melissa228 ~ Bella Swan accepts a job as a nanny for single father, Dr. Edward Cullen. Living under the same roof and Bella's seduction plans, leads these two into a whirlwind of pleasure and excitement.

This Hungry World by LolaShoes ~ Sequel to A Life Extraordinary. Love beyond sanity meets the real world, and both Bella and Edward struggle to find balance. How does forever look with your beloved when you want to own every second of every day? AU, Rated NC-17

The Trip Home by MsKathy ~ When Bella takes a long overdue trip back to Forks, an unexpected detour helps her find her way home. AU/AH ExBxJ M for adult themes and lemons. This is a story about a poly(amorous) trio. This means that there are sometimes moments where they all three have sex, sometimes BxJ, sometimes ExB, and sometimes ExJ.

The Anonymous Series by SinAndShame ~ A chance encounter leads to an odd attraction that develops into an addiction.
"There are so many things about this woman that fascinate me. She's beautiful. Classically beautiful at that. Intelligent. Articulate. Witty. She's everything any man could ever dream of or want. Except I don't even know her name."
Warnings: Lemons. Lots of lemons. Actually, more like Mike's Hard Lemonade. Mild D/s.

Tropic of Virgo by In_a_blue_bathrobe ~ He's a young but jaded keyboard player writing lyrics for his band, Breaking Dawn, and she's a naive and frustrated poet looking to break out of her shell; their words collide on-line.
What happens when they meet in high school, unaware of their literary connection?

**I just finished this story and if you are a music lover, you will enjoy the fuck out of this**

Emancipation Proclamation kharizzmatik ~ A/N: This story has been stuck inside my head for a long time, since before I ever even heard of Twilight. I adapted it to fit these gorgeous characters (in human form, of course) but it's definitely Alternate Universe and out of character for the most part. It'll be predominately Bella & Edward POV, and I must warn you in advance that there will be some violence, drugs, sex, illegal activities and all that other crazy stuff in it.

The Ascent Stoney G. Pumpkin ~ Strong willed and fiery Charli Littlecrow is not your average teenage girl. When her secret is uncovered by the hotheaded and tortured Jacob Black, her whole world is suddenly turned upside down.

The Canvas by Twiholic ~ Bella is a curator and in a serious relationship. When she meets a handsome artist, her life becomes one of confusion and anguish. Will she decide to go with the comfortable familiarity of her old lifestyle, or will she jeopardize it all for an adventure?

Buried Amongst the Begonias - by Durty Nelly ~ Why has Alice kept her best friend, Bella, away from her twin brother? What will happen when she finally meets him? Will Alice's warnings keep Bella way, or will she do something very stupid? AH, OOC, VERY SADISTIC DARK EDWARD, Rated MA ONLY for: sex, violence, rape, sadism, tourture and murder.

Call of Booty - by Stoney G Pumpkin and Poptarrts ~What happens when sex addicted Bella meets video gamer Edward?? Good shit, that's what!
**I couldn't locate the Author's summary...eeek**

There you go ladies...these are all stories that I am currently reading and enjoying the fuck out of!!!
Because I'm a total tool, I forgot to add a word in the link for The Ascent. It should read The Ascent by Stoney G Pumpkin, and Emancipation Proclamation is by kharizzmatik. Duh.

I've gotta run FAST!!! I have about 30 seconds to be in Master's playroom....wish me luck.
OH. One more thing....

Never forget who your Master is.

Till next time...

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Spring Break can go suck a dick

Yeah, you heard correct. I am not a fan of Spring Break, and before I get lynched I'll tell you just the fuck why.

Spring Break has never been particularly break-y for me, even before I had "adult responsibilities". Growing up, I remember my friends going off to fun, touristy locations and leaving my sorry ass behind. Nevermind that I didn't have to go to school, I wasn't having as much fun as the people I knew that got to go on these things called vay-kay-shuns ( um, still not sure what the fuck that means ), while I was stuck with my poor white trash fambly. I was forced to just "go outside and play" with myself, cuz my besties were off galavanting in some tropical location far far away.

Fucking Assholes.

Um, I think something's missing. Oh right....ME!!!!!


See how much fucking fun she's having???

So now I'm all growed up and shit, and Spring Break doesn't really mean anything to me except more work. Kids home from school, Mr. Pantz working about 60 hr weeks, no real break in sight. It also means that all my lovely obnoxious as fuck neighbors crawl out from under their rocks, and let thier devil spawn run amok all hours of the day and night. Did I happen to mention that I live in the inner city??? Well I do, and there are some pretty colorful characters in my hood. It can actually be pretty entertaining if you don't have small children who are trying to sleep through the ruckus. If only I had some sort of distraction or consolation.....

"Don't you worry baby...I'll take you anywhere you wanna go."

Ahhhhhhhh, that's better....

Sooooo....what did you byatches do for Spring Break?? Did you put your party hat on, or did it suck monkey twat?? Tell me so I can live vicariously through you!

Till next time....XOXOXO - E