Monday, August 16, 2010

New and improved! Now with more E!

<-------Grab this button! All the cool kids are doing it!






So. I'm under a bit of construction...ish.

Stoney finally got off her ass was gracious enough to work her magic and make me a new banner and button! (i may have mentioned how fan.fucking.tastic she is) Grab that shit before it goes out of style. You don't want to be seen wearing last season's button and risk being the laughingstock of your workplace/institution/educational organization.

DO YOU???!!!

No. You don't. Because as I've discovered, you can think outside of the box and be edgy and go against the grain...but only enough to make yourself look cool. As seen on MTV. Anything beyond that is just weird and you should be outcast and shunned and looked upon as a motherfucking evil leper. Take note.

Don't bother ACTUALLY being different than the flock. Going against the status quo takes way too much fucking work, and let's face it...rarely pays off. It's much safer to duck your head and fly under the radar. Oh, and you can't trust anyone either. People are liars and they typically only look out for only themselves. It's true. Trust me. I have no fucking clue what the mutherfuck I'm doing folks.

I know I'm changing. That's about it. I meant for this post to be a teaser and sort of introduction to the new E, but then I kinda lost my mind a bit. It happens. Alot. I go to 11.

I'll be back in a day or so to tell you why I'm like a toilet. Stay tuned for that bowl of awesomesauce!


Stay piratey, hookers.
xoxo
E

Sunday, August 8, 2010

How much E can you take??!! Let's find out together!!


I promise I won't blow your head off...kinda.



 I know, I've been gone for a coon's age. You can stab me in the shoulder blade with a rusty razor if that will make you feel warm and fuzzy. Otherwise, shut the fuck up. :) 

I've been through some shit in the past few months yo...some serious motherfucking shit.

I bought a house. That is a big fucking deal. I have 2 kids who are needy motherfuckers. I have a pile of bills that is seriously making me ponder the benefits of whoring myself out for cash. In the past month I've had my bedroom floor partially flooded, had to install a new central a/c unit and put a new roof on my garage or our homeowner's insurance goes bye-bye, a tub drain that is so clogged that my roommate (Stoney) has me convinced there are human remains stuck in the pipe joint (hehe. pipe joint. yes, I'm 12)...not to mention, my uterus staged a full scale attack against me, my back is fucking killing me from lifting furniture and children, and I get an EPIC motherfucker of a sunburn from killing weeds. I'm wrangling ginger kids and having walls built and still motherfucking unpacking what is ultimately worthless bullshit!!! But I might need it someday. Shut up.





I need that coaster to protect my furniture, fucking duhhhh.



I could blather on. So I will.

I actually have something important to say so cock your ears and hoist your tits. Or whatever it is you do when you are seriously paying attention. Or at least pretending to pay attention.






You have my full attention.





take
some
E




as you may know it, or me...is over.





Sorta.






I still love Twilight. I still read Fic. I still want to hump Rob's pretteh face off. But my obsession is not of the caliber that it once was.

I have deep admiration and much respeck for all of you that have decided to jump on this crazy train, and I want you to know that I am not going anywhere. I am just going to be more...me. More E. Less Twi-shizz.






What are those bicycle fairies doing out during the day...and on my sides of the street???






I'm heres. I will be more deliberate about posting more frequently. Just know that the Twi will be more random and coincidental, and the E will be right in your fucking facehole! Try not to O.D. I'm not driving a bitch to the hospital. Ummkay?



More to come very soon my pretty snatchbiscuits (and dickbiscuits?), so consider this just the tip of E's full, hard length.

Can you handle this noise???

I hope so.

Lube up and relax...I promise to make it good.

Be back soon loves!
xoxo
E












Wednesday, June 16, 2010

My Dashboard is on FIRE...and Leno is still an assmonkey.



OhhhhhhFuuuuuck.Yessss.

I know you know the fuck I'm talkin' bout.

I am well aware that this is not recent. I just like looking at it.
Alot.



So...Rob rocked The Tonight Show and Jay was his usual asspuppet self. I hate Leno and his cleft chin with the Icy Sparkles of a thousand Vampires. Or more accurately, I hope he girly giggles himself into a seizure.
Is that really mean of me?
Don't answer.


Anywhore...I thought Rob looked luscious and watching his fingers while he played with his phone was nearly instagasmic! Then he gets personal talking about emails from his Dad, and reveals that he is such a dork behind the wheel that he drove around with his dashboard on fire...until it went out.





I am such an asshole. I can't remember where I stole this from.



He sets my dashboard on fucking fire. Still.

Ugh.

That's all I have time for right now my lovely whorefaces, but rest assured I am not gone...just fucking busy! Moving and acclimating to the reality of homeownership. It's fucking trippy.


Mowing sucks nut corn.
xoxo
E






Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Give me some fucking silly! STAT!!!







Let's listen to some music, shall we?





Scroll to this. I command you.









I totally love free hugs under bridges.









WHAT UP SLUUUUUUTS!!!


Oh holeeee hale it seems like I've been gone for fucking evuh! Golly gee whiz I sure have missed all you sweet little snatchypoos...you really mean alot to me. Truth. I've had an INTENSE life lately, and I'm ready to have some fucking laughs. How bout y'all??









This is my fucking life.








Looks cuddly right??? It's fucking not.





I wanna give a great big face hump to all my new slaves followers (although i prefer the term bitchfaces) and say WELCOME!!! Please chime in...seriously! Comment, tell me you love me, hate me, tell a fucking dirty joke, or just do a random fly by FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK.
*waves to Raitz* It's all good in my hood. Do it. I dare you.







Avoid brown shoes. They are the Debil.






So I just need to fucking have a drink, a smoke (filterless cigarette anyone?) and a few laughs...ya know, lighten the fuck up. Dig?








Sweet...I have a 50/50 chance at immortality!!! Suck it non-smokers.








 Just don't light up around Russian bears...they fuck your shit up.









I'm the one on the right.











Don't follow this dude out to the parking lot...just...don't.






There's not alot of substance here...I just wanted to make myself giggle. Mission accomplished.



One more thing before I go....











Hahahahaaaaaa....you got the gheyt!!!!







Relax, life is too fucking short...




The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~e.e. cummings






Laughter is an instant vacation. ~Milton Berle



 
 
Love and laughs.
xoxo
E

Friday, May 14, 2010

Rob's Horoscope and The Blog Train pulls into the station...








The Blog Train has reached it's final destination...and I predict Rob's future!



Rob's Horoscope for 2010:






I'mma ignore Uma.






Taurus Yearly 2010 Horoscopes:



Taurus (Apr 20- May 20)




People who are born under Taurus zodiacal sign possess very significant characters that are special to only this sign. Very stubborn, adamant, influential, practical, pragmatic and smart, a typical Taurus is a sign of stability and conformity. These people can reach very high success levels due to their power of will and perseverance. All these positive traits make them extraordinarily powerful and energetic. Even with all these powerful qualities, a typical Taurus person can be extremely personal and caring towards other people; affection and loyalty are two friendly words to these people. A person who is born under this sign can be very expressive and caring while giving their opinions on any subject or topic. They can easily indulge in great debates and discussions where one needs to give scholarly thoughts and ideas.



Another positive quality of a person belonging to this sign is his or her ability to make friends with all people. In fact, these people may have a large friend circle that likes to hang around all the time. A typical Taurus person can show immense affection towards the opposite sex. In all, a Taurus person is a wholesome person who can succeed any day with a sense of deep purpose. Taurus 2010 yearly horoscope is a mixed bah for them as they may face some setbacks or disappointments throughout the year. It could be an average year for these people because of some uncertainties in their career development.




Taurus 2010 Career and Income Horoscope

People working in advertising and entertaining industry may get tremendous success in their career. Female show-persons, actors, models and costume designers will stand to gain immensely satisfying results. People who are looking for a career in motion picture and hospitality industry will get their break in the second half of the year. In summary, most Taurus people will find the second half of the year to be more promising and encouraging.




Taurus 2010 Love, Family and Social life Horoscope


Love, family and social life for Taurus people can be somewhat disappointing throughout the year. Immense marital and domestic trouble may brew in the first quarter of the New Year while the last quarter may act as a period of reconciliation. Due to the bad confluence of Mars and Saturn planets, Taurus people may undergo serious marital strain in the first half of the year. However, the legendary will power of Taurus will see these people recuperate from all possible domestic upheavals. People who are looking towards new relationship will need to plan very carefully. Social life for the New Year could be very disturbing while workplace relationship could see marked disturbance. In all, the last part of the New Year will bring hopes and encouragement to all Taurus people.





Taurus 2010 Education and Traveling Horoscope


On a positive note, 2010 Taurus horoscope is an excellent year for students, researchers and scholars. Professionals who work in research laboratories may do exceedingly well in their field. Students may see unqualified success coming in their way in the first half of the year. Academic achievements and scholarship gains are possible in the second half of the year. Due to their innate intelligence and eruditeness, Taurus people can reach very high success levels throughout the year. Travelling is possible many Taurus students in the middle parts of the year.




Taurus 2010 Health Horoscope


Health wise, Taurus 2010 yearly horoscope may not to be too good. Occasional health problems may impede daily life while health problems associated with lungs and stomach may bother people in the last quarter of the year. Minor accidents may await some Taurus people in the third quarter of the year.




So Rob, you can expect a year of being surrounded by friends, financial and vocational success (especially during the second half of this year) and possible relationship upheaval with your lover.


*crosses fingers for relationship upheaval*


You will also do an enormous amount of traveling (duh?) and possibly decide to enhance your intelligence by taking a couple of courses at your local community college.


Or as Chris Rock calls them, "A disco with books."



You will need to take extra good care of yourself, to avoid getting the sick. Watch for falling rocks because accidents may happen to cause you injury towards the end of the year.



Oh Noooooooooooooooooooes!!!!




You will also continue to be fuckhawt and your mere existance will be fodder for the sexual fantasies of women of all ages. Watch your back.


Surprise buhtsecks is not fun.






There you go Rob.
Now you do me.
Please?



 




Don't hurt yourself,
xoxo
E




Follow The Train!


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Happy Happy Joy Joy....Patzy and The Pusher!



It's Your Birfday! Anything goes on the Blog Train today!!!













How's it feel to be the big 24???



"Fucking fangirrls won't leave me alone!"







I know...you probably can't get a moment's peace. So I won't bug you today. I'll just take a moment to say I hope your day was filled with lots of good prezzies and maybe a nap. I always like a good nap. And cake. I like cake.


How was your cake?





Mmmmmmmmmmmm.....cake.


Nom nom nom.




Anyway....Guess what? I'ts not just your Birthday today, it's also the day that a certain special someone in my life was born. I must pay a special tribute because if it wasn't for her, I never would have fallen in love with you. 







"What do you mean you never would have fallen for me?"


I won't sully my brain with such nonsense...







She was the one who first force fed loaned me these books...ya know, the ones about the sparkly vampires? I blame her, and her alone for the crazy as fuck spiral that my life has taken. You know her as The Pusher.







Me and the Pusher


Happy fucking birthday life ruiner my dear sweet friend!


This is all your fault!!!







I won't take up anymore of your special day. I just wanted to take a mo to tell you BOTH how fuckawesome you are, and my life is better with you in it!!!





HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!!!!



Now go drink your faces off.




Birthday Love,
xoxo
E





Follow The Train!


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A super secret Birthday poem for Rob! Ride this train...

E's Personal Birthday Message to Rob...



That's right. It's personal yo. As in just between Rob and I. So deal.


Sooooooo.....today's train is bringing you a bevy of cards, poems, and all around warm fuzzies. Which means of course that I have to resort to my old standby to get your attention...being a smartass. Which is cool, cuz being a smartass comes naturally to me.



"Uhm, tell me something new."





Allright, shit...give me a sec...




OK. What you may not know about me, is that I also have a deep-ish sorta touchy-feely maybe jerk a tear kinda sentimental side that I don't let out to play very often. **if you don't believe me, you can suck aidsy monkey ass**  or  **drink a bowl of herpes (bows to JJ)**


Ahem. Back to my point. I thought that I would maybe wax poetic and shit, so here's some sweet, soulful sentiment for you.





"Your smart ass can come out to play with me anytime"




Shut up! I'm trying to be all deep and junk.






So here's a few words for you babe.  *waves to Rob*  





I carry your heart with me  by E. E. Cummings



I carry your heart with me  (i carry it in my heart)


I am never without it

(anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)


I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)



I want no world  (for beautiful you are my world, my true)



and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant



and whatever a sun will always sing is you



here is the deepest secret nobody knows


(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart)



I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)







Because time itself is like a spiral, something special happens on your birthday each year: The same energy that God invested in you at birth is present once again. ~Menachem Mendel Schneerson



I totes ganked this from Robsessed.






There was a star danced, and under that was I born. - William Shakespeare
 
 


sigh.



Lots of love and gooey kisses, paddle spanks, boobie rubs and everything that birthdays are made of.

xoxo
E



**STDs are not funny...if you have one. Otherwise they're hilarious**



Ride the train!!!!






Tuesday, May 11, 2010

It's prezzie time on the Blog Train!




My gift to Rob





I gotta admit, I'm not the best gift giver. I'm usually too self absorbed to notice what anyone else's likes, dislikes, or interests are...plus I try to shop for presents for other people and just end up coming home with a bunch of new shit for myself. Whatever.

Aaaaanywhore....what do you get for the dude who can have anyone anything he wants at the asking???
The answer is that I have no fucking clue, so I resorted to my sense of humor.




True facts.





I guess I'm not total FAIL. I know you like some stuff. Unfortunately, it's the same stuff everybody else knows you like. Like Hot Pockets and Heineken.





Yeah, none for me thanks.





How about a crate of the American equivalent of your favorite breakfast cereal?



You likey the cinnamon toast crunch no??






Of course, you may be more in the mood for a home cooked meal of spaghetti and Kobe meatballs.






I make a mean meatball. No joke here.





Not hungry? Maybe I can offer something to quench your thirst instead...








All you can drink, and a vaycay to boot!!




Of course I'm there too...duh.




This is us at the end of the night.







Of course we all know about the love for beanies and Stoli.




Hobo love will never die.






Perhaps one of these will tickle your happy trail fancy?








You are supah...shall I fetch you a cape?









How about a retreat at the Stoli Hotel? Avec moi...bien sur.








Ok ok. Kidding aside. I think I have something that you may actually LIKE...







"No shit? Let's hear it!"






Drumroll please.......












Front row seats to Van fucking Morrison!!!!!








"That's what the fuck I'm talkin' about."





I thought you'd like that. At least I hoped it would help me score in your book. So, now you know what you're getting from me, but I gottsa be real honest and say it's still not my number one pick of gifts for you.





Sometimes I hate the postal service.






Here's to getting prezzies!!! Even if you don't like any of them, they're still fun to open.

xoxo

Monday, May 10, 2010

Never Think...Ride the Birthday Blog Train

Never Think








I remember the first time I heard this song. I don't recall the day of the week, the weather, what I was wearing or any inconsequential details. What I remember is the powerful emotion this song yanked out of my heart. I had to hear it again. Again. AGAIN.



Rob has an absolutely, hauntingly beautiful singing voice. He invokes a raw, soulful sentiment in this song. The lyrics are heart wrenching. It is passionate and melancholy at the same time. I have listened to Never Think countless times (literally) since that day, and I have not tired of it. In fact it seems to grip me even tighter as the days go by.

When he sings "Cause without me...you got it all..." I feel like he has looked into my life. I have felt that way so often, and the power behind those words just fucking undoes me...everytime.
















I should never think



What's in your heart



What's in our home



So I won't













 

You'll learn to hate me




But still call me baby




Oh love





So call me by my name








 



And save your soul





Save your soul





Before you're too far gone





Before nothing can be done














 I'll try to decide when





She'll lie in the end





I ain't got no fight in me




In this whole damn world





So you hold off





She should hold off






It's the one thing that I've known





Once I put my coat on





I'm coming out in this all wrong





She standing outside holding me




Saying oh please




I'm in love






I'm in love











Girl save your soul





Go on save your soul





Before it's too far gone





And before nothing can be done













Cause without me




You got it all




So hold on





Without me you got it all




So hold on





Without me you got it all





Without me you got it all




So hold on




Without me you got it all





So hold on




Without me you got it all




So hold on









Rob,

Thank you.

xoxo
E







Hop on the Blog Train by clicking here!